Jag ger up.

Hej du.

It's so easy to torment me with the pettiest things in the world and while something might seem insignificant and worhtless to the common eye, it could be the meaning of life itself to me. I'm trying to exaggerate here, because the shock was that big in the beginning.

There have been two times in my life when I was stressed over something and then came a moment of light and reason, and suddenly my worries were sublimed and lifted up to the degree of dust and laughter. The first of those moments was when I was seven years old and I was bullied by the girls in my classroom. I had done or said something improper to them and I couldn't sleep that night, just thinking about the way I was going to go rebel on them and tell them to fuck off and leave me alone. But it was torture for me. I was sitting up on my bed, sweating and shaking, fearing that I would get my self esteem beaten up, that I was going to be left friendless and pushed out into the circle of misfits. I was so scared to face the girls in my classroom, but at the same time too fed up with them, that I couldn't go through that night without asking myself so many questions, such as "What am I going to do if they leave me alone?", "How am I going to survive the pointing and sneering?", "Who am I going to hang with?", "How are the rest of the children going to see me?", "Why do I have to be seen as the loser one within their circle?", and all those terribly questions a seven year old girl shouldn't be asking herself. But I was.

And then I remember I turned to see my Disney clock on my desk, it was 2 am. I fidgeted, I couldn't sleep, the world was shaking on my back. My lack of reputation wasn't the point, it was my lameass reputation. I was a nobody, I wasn't popular. I just hung with the "cool" people, but i wasn't cool myself. I was only seven years old and being alone and left out was killing me. Then came this moment of clarity, and I realized I was tired. It was 2 in the morning and I was thinking of the stupid girls in my classroom, and wondering what would be of me in the days to come. I couldn't take that shit. I just remember I said something like "Whatever, I'm tired and I'm going to sleep now. Tomorrow will be another day, and I don't care anymore if they pick on me again. I'm used to it. They won't be the first ones or last ones to harm me, so I'm just gonna get over it, Bye"

And I lied down and pulled the covers and fell asleep in a second. That was it. I was fucking tired. Torturing me with all those questions and shit was useless. It did no good for me. While those girls meant a lot to me, I meant nothing to them. Although my bullies, they were the only people I had. I didn't want to be alone, because lonely people were all losers in my opinion.

But I hadn't seen yet, that I was already on my own, without someone to lean on, without someone to really love. I didn't have friends, I didn't have someone to laugh with, someone who understood me, someone that liked me at all. For a while, going to school was hell. I was a shy, really quiet, really shaky girl. I was afraid of everybody and I hid behind my mother, behind my dad, behind some tree. I didn't want to meet people, because I feared all people were the same. As time went by, my parents sent me away to another school where I slowly made some friends. My mom and dad didn't know that while I was in the previous school, I got home from school crying, and panting and shaking and swallowing my childish pain. When I was ten I told my mother all the mean and cruel things those girls had done to me, and as I explained her, I cried and she asked me "Why didn't you tell me before?", and at the time, I didn't know the answer, but now I know. I think it was something I had to deal with myself, without someone's help. Those times shaped me and made me the person I am today.

Nowadays I'm not so social, I am still quiet, but i open up fast. I like trusting people and I like thinking that the people I meet are nice and kindhearted. I'm a bit scary the first time people meet me, whether it is for my appearance or for my presence, but as soon as they get to know me, they know I'm one of the sweetest girls ever. I'm human and I like sharing my share of tender and naïve wisdom with them. Being beaten up in the past could have led me in two directions: Being a psycho, taking revenge on everybody that hurt me and being a cunt with everybody I'll meet, or recycling those blue feelings and develop a sense of compassion and joy towards the world. I chose the latter. Because one day, I just gave up and let it all go, I just let it all go. "This isn't for me" I said. I lied down, pull the covers and rolled on my bed because I had had enough of it. Enough.

Fast forward several years later and I'm in pieces for someone I will never be with. This time it's a romantic issue I'm dealing with. This person has absolutely no idea about the things she's made me thought, done and dreamed, but anyway, it's not like she gives a damn about it. Why I fell in love with her, I do know. I'm aware of it. However, the reasons why I should forget about her outnumber by far the reasons why I should keep her in my head. Still, we all know the heart follows no logic and is reluctant to listen to reasons. Our ephimeral and silly story was supposed to end the day she stopped answering my messages, but I didn't want to let go of her, cuz she's all good looking and "cool". After months of randomly thinking of her, like an on-off obsession, I came to the conclusion that I could never really wash her off my mind.

Some days ago I saw some picture of her that made me think a lot. I started again, breaking my head wondering if she was trying to say something with that picture, wondering if she still missed me, wondering a lot of things. I spent the night with my bare eyes, thinking of her, seizing the possibility of an encounter, of talking again, of anything. Some pink and sweet feelings grew in me in just minutes. I spent tow or three days partly excited, partly confused. It has been months since we last talked and I had never really let go. Not even in my better times. Then came the moment of infinite light haha, and I could even hear the heavenly chorus roar "Hallelujah!" cuz I realized something important: I AM TIRED.

I am tired dude, I'm so tired of going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, asking myself the same questions and getting to the same answers. I'm tired of bringing things to some synthetic closure just to know really, that I'm still stuck in her (less over time, but still). I'm just plain tired of knowing that she won't let me in and I'm tired of hoping and dreaming and considering her in my future, and just tired of devoting the bright side of my poetry to her. I'm tired. I was so afraid of not having someone to feel pathetic and foolisghly in love with, that I didn't want to let go of her. But since I was too tired of myself, I decided to just fucking give up.

I gave her up for the better. She was the first one I thought I loved, but she won't be the last one. Many after her will like me and harm me and drive me mad. Many will love me and school me and hate me and such. Being aware of it allowed me to let go, overnight.

She is (and this won't change) one of the most beautiful girls I could ever lay my eyes on, I can count with one hand the number of girls who've taken my breath away like she did. And I'm sure her time to bloom is yet to come and she'll realize how talented she is and what a marvelous icon she could get to be. I forever wish her the best and I want her to be as happy as she could be. She won't ever know how much she meant to me, nor why it took me so long to get over myself. But I thank her for the way I let myself break loose, in a time when I thought I was doomed. She doesn't belong to me, and I don't belong to her, but she's one of those girls that go down on the story of my life to fully comprehend why am I a better version of myself today. So thank you.

And now, I think it is tome for me to lay down, roll on me bed and give it a sigh. Pull the covers and hope that tomorrow I will be a bit cooler and so much wiser. I'm sure I'll talk about her in the future and I'll remember her when I hear someone saying her name. And I'll bring her back into the conversation and into my days without feeling cold, stupid or lost. I'll bring her back from time to time with a smile and a "Yeah well, I know..." kind of attitude.

It's cool to give up and just let it go. One day.